[Live Journal] Do You Talk About Your Pain?

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Release whatever hurt you, but keep the lesson.

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Hi, I’m probably the most unemotional, emotional person I know today.

There’s one or two reasons why I’m suddenly writing Live Journal during a weekdays, which is so unlikely of me because I have stuff and work and other messy stuff going on. 

Dulu setiap ada cerita lutchu atau complain about my life pasti dear diarynya di Live Journal. Tapi sekarang buat nulis dear diary aja gue gak punya waktu. Why is that? 

There’s a lot of things happened these past few months. From lockdown, to getting back on new normal and such. Remaining sensitive in a thick-skinned world is actually superpower right?

Karena terlalu sibuk, gue jadi lupa bahagia. Alah. Klasik ya. Permasalahan setiap orang, selalu merasa gak bahagia meski keliatannya everything going well —– or probably they just don’t tell others about their pain.

Belakangan ini Teteh (I’m doing this great things where I called myself teteh instead of gue, but sometimes the Jaksel language slipped out….sorry. LOL) merasa tidak bahagia. Kalo dulu kecemasan teteh ini lebih ke seputar, “Aduh kapan ya gue bisa ketemu Donghae lagi?” atau “Aduh beli tiket konser SUJU apa gak usah ya?” like that.

Tapi sekarang pertanyaan-pertanyaannya lebih concerning. “Aduh, kapan ya gue harus settle down?” atau “Aduh si A,B, C udah punya anak, gue masih gini-gini aja.” while in fact everyone has their own times to shine. 

But the insults, judgments and shitty behavior toxic people try to throw at you—sometimes they’re the reason why we never talk about our pain.

My biggest pain probably when I was 19, my father passed away in a blink of eyes. At first I talked about my pain, but time after time—-I feel like “You shouldn’t talk about your pain, and being a party pooper with your sad TED talk.” so I did. I slowly stopped talking about my pain.

I just assumed “It happens to everyone, it’s inevitable.”.

But there’s something that I didn’t know few years ago, that everyone has felt pain at some point in their life. And it’s often the deepest pain which empowers you to evolve into your highest self.

And so just like two weeks ago, I had a rough flu and fever. I lost all my sense of taste and I can’t smell anything. And my anxiety pressuring me out, until I decided to get a swab test. The expensive one because I couldn’t wait any more day to get the result out. Lucky me I had negative results. 

But during my sick days, I keep thinking about ‘Oh, it’s just a flu everyone been thru this. Shouldn’t talk about my anxiety’. But when I was back and forth to hospital, and I still have to do all my responsibilities, working, being a helping hand to everyone. Suddenly I was like: “I do need talk about my pain.”

Suddenly I realized that inside almost all strong, independent and resilient people are broken child. Who had to pick up themselves up, to wipe their own tears, and to never depend on anyone but themselves. I’m one of that resilient people.

I can’t stop grieving about my father’s passing in 2016. But no ones care. So instead of doing the ‘depression mono’ and else, I worked hard alone to be exactly what I wanted out of life. I’m working 24/7, making money as much as I can, treating myself with my own money. That’s the only way I can do forward with my life.

As you evolve and become more aware, you realise that you’re not the same person you used to be. You’ll recognise the true value of yourself and being to understand, there are some situations that no longer deserve your time, energy or focus.

For example, I decided to cut 90% of toxic people from my life. Including my closest friends, my old friends, my aunty, that one shitty co-worker, and all of people that making me scare to talk about my pain.

You all need to understand that it’s not really your job to detox toxic people. You just have to create strong boundaries and detox the part of yourself that resonates and gets triggered by their toxicity. Or you just cut them out of your life.

It doesn’t mean you have to fight or channeling your inner drama. All you have to do is stop talking to them, stop picking up their calls, stop coming to all invitations. And voila, you save yourself from the toxicity.

You’re not a bad person just because you say no, to something that doesn’t feel right to you. 

All I do right now is keeping my life low key and let people make their own assumptions. Because maturity is knowing that sometimes silence and peace is better than having the last word.

Jadi sekarang if ever want to talk about my pain, I’ll write it down on diary bergembok or live journal. The point is, you can and should talk about your pain. Alesan lain kenapa teteh update Live Journal, ternyata masih banyak orang yang dateng ke sini buat back to the old days and reading all my Live Journal. Meski Live Journal teteh ga selucu dulu hehe.

So it’s okay to cry and talk about your pain. If you ever feel like your life is a crap, look at me. I’m working 24/7, I have to pay bills since I was 19 because I decided to move out from my family and start my own life financially by my own since 4 years ago. And 10 years ago, I’d never imagine myself losing my father and having to deal with my grief that doesn’t seem to end. 

Sometimes I keep telling myself that this is for the best, with my father’s passing, teteh jadi lebih mandiri. Lebih antusias sama hidup to build my own career at young age, making own money, lebih ngehargain uang karena tau ya gimana susahnya cari duit (so it’s true that money doesn’t grow from a tree lol).

Selain itu teteh selalu terngiang itu pepatah my beloved father kalo dia pun dulu bisa kaya tanpa warisan sama sekali.

Jadi setiap kali ada yang nanya “Ngapain kerja, kan warisannya banyak?” I left chuckles, I only treat warisan-warisan ini sebagai kado aja. Karena 2016 sebenernya turning back my life ya, yang tadinya mau beli apa tinggal mejem, Sekarang… masih mejem juga cuma pas cek saldo langsung sakit gigi HEHEHE. 

(Just the other day I bought something that costed me around IDR 15 juta, and all Le Familia member was like ‘you’re independently rich now…’ LOL I AM SO HAPPY TO KNOW THAT MY HARD WORK EARNED A SWEET CHERRY)

Also I’m happy to anounce that from all my cousins in Le Familia, teteh jadi orang pertama yang having career dan financially independent at age 19. Which is something to proud about. 

Ini semua bukan untuk flexing sih, tapi lebih ke motivasi kalian aja. Kalo the beginning is always the hardest. Tapi kalo kalian tekun, rajin, dan tak menyerah pasti deh kalian bisa setajir Inul Daratista di rumah mewahnya yang berpelitur emas dan kursi dari Da Vinci.

Buat kalian yang kebetulan baca live journal ini atau iseng-iseng mampir, you’re all welcome! Also I’m moving my Twitter to @cattshires, if anyone curious about my diary bergembok daily there. So bye!

So my last pro tip is: Always be kind, open minded and loving. But have boundaries like a motherfucker, don’t be naive and love yourself more. Because self -love isn’t selfish, its healing. 

 

the soft tuna xo