been-in-love

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I know I don’t love her anymore.

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Just look at Han Cheonsa, standing there in front of the stove, resting her weight on her right side while raising her hip, shaking the frying pan until the egg whites harden and whiten.

Look at how she slides them onto your the plate, next to that single strip of bacon, and then brings them to you first before making her own.

Look at how she eats her food, quietly and delicately, holding her fork with proper etiquette and chewing with her mouth closed. Aren’t these things wonderful? These little things you’ve grown to love about her over the years?

I try to recall how all these things used to make me feel. To remember what it was like when I’d noticed them for the first time. When there were still new things for me to learn about her. But the novelty is gone. Has been for a while. And all of these things I used to love about her are now the things that repulse me the most.

She asks if the food is okay. I tell her it’s good. She asks if I slept well last night. I tell her I slept fine. She asks about my day. I tell her it’s just another day. After this, there’s only silence. When we both finish eating, she brings our plates to the sink and I get up to grab my coffee.

As I turn toward the door to leave for work, I realize that I’m happy. Happy to be leaving. To be getting out of the house for a while. Then I realize how unhappy I really am and how unhappy she must be. I know I don’t love her anymore. Have known for some time.

Since before my affair with Kim Raena from work. I think she knows about Raena, but she’s never asked about it. And I think she’s been sleeping with Cho Kyuhyun from her meetings, but I’ve also never asked her.

I think I’m afraid. That we’re both afraid. Afraid of being apart. Of being alone. Of starting over.

Lee Donghae, you’re such a coward. I’m such a coward for Han Cheonsa.

We’ve been together for so long. Seven years this November. We have two kids, both in school, though not yet old enough to notice the tension between us. At least I hope they’re not. What would happen if we got a divorce? Who’d get the kids? Would they ever forgive us? And what of our promise? Till death do us part? I’ve broken promises before, many times.

But this one has held me together, reminding me that I’m still a good husband and father despite my faults. If this one is broken, there won’t be anything left. We will have failed in the eyes of our children and in the eyes of God.

Before leaving for work, I walk over to Cheonsa, still standing at the sink, slowly scrubbing the dishes with a sponge. I put my hand on her shoulder, kiss her cheek lightly and tell her I love her. She says she loves me too. Then I head out the door, get in the car and drive off toward another day.

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-fin-

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Delicate. 

xo

IJaggys

About IJaggys

Sorry, am I supposed to know who you are?

7 responses »

  1. Maru9 says:

    their feelings are complicated😔 and make me confused, but i hope their loves are real.

  2. kim_yeon says:

    How can ?? You both no longer love each other 😦 I hope there’s a little bit of LUV between them just a bit noticed the word ‘ A BIT ‘
    Ku sedihhhh huhuhu I hope they’re okay. Please think about your children. Don’t be selfish. Each of you having an affair with someone
    Please be okay
    JUST A LITTLE BIT OF YOUR HEART AND EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY

  3. Zii says:

    Baiklah saya tidak pandai berbahasa inggris 😀 memerlukan waktu yg cukup lm untuk mengerti tentang isi di atas XD.
    Tapi apa yg terjadi dengan mereka ?? Semoga akan selalu baik baik saja !! :O

  4. Minseokhoon says:

    Wanna cry 😭 dan ngomong2, kok waktu itu pas mau buka Gangnam Love Story sama She Lays Dow kok gak ada ya? Apa udab dihapus?😯

  5. honneyhae says:

    when peole do not love each other, the feeling about other change..kayak sesuatu yang nggak bisa kembali ke bentuk semula, bisa diperbaiki, tapi nggak akan pernah sama, pengnen bisa sama tapi enggan, akhirnya mereka cuma seperti berbohong pada diri sendiri ‘everything gonna be ok’..begitu saya nangkepnya..ini ada terusannya kagak?
    ok sonia..keep witting…

  6. Udah lama banget ga maen ke sini dan langsung dapet beginian 😦 sedih banget dan gimana ya, pasti hal kayak gitu emang ada sih di dunia nyata dan aku bahkan mulai mikir serem banget kalo aku ngalamin hal kayak gitu, udah ga saling suka tapi yah, gimana lagi, divorce juga bukan solusi *apasih*

  7. fsshy says:

    Mereka sedang di titik dimna udh gada feeling sekuat apa yg dirasain wktu awal awal falling in love.
    Mgkin gitu ya. Ah, aku jga gatau. Abaikan sajalah komenan ini
    Kekekkeke

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