waas

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The hardest battle you will ever have to fight between who you are now, and who you want to be.

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Before you scroll any further, I’ve to inform you that this not a fanfiction-post. This post purely my rant about my life. You don’t have to read it, you don’t have to deal with my shit–I don’t expect you to understand. But here I am writing to you because I need to not because I have to.

Huft, I’m trying so hard not to post about what’s going on with my life. Try to stop tweeting a bunch of sadness teweets. 

Bukan rahasia lagi bahwa sifat gue itu no jokes—i’m such a bitch. In real life atau virtual life. Sifat dan attitude gue itu buruk banget. Gue gaperduli sama orang lain, gue mentingin diri gue sendiri, gue selalu dominan, gue selalu menjadi yang antagonis di pertemanan maupun di keluarga.

Just yesterday, lebaran hari pertama–gue nolak untuk dateng ke rumah om gue dan ngumpul sama keluarga gue (termasuk sepupu-sepupu gue) alesannya simpel, gue butuh tidur, dan gue lagi gabisa put up sama orang-orang. I hate people.

Sampe nyokap gue kemaren bilang; “Gila ya gue udah gabisa ngomong kalo tentang elo.” damn I don’t need anyone either. Jadi lebaran hari pertama gue bener-bener di apartemen sendirian, tidur sampe jam 7 malem terus nonton Jurasic Park di HBO sambil makan satu bucket es krim dari Ben & Jerrys. I’m screwed.

Since my father’s gone, I have this huge depression left. Gue dari yang tadinya udah jahat—menjadi semakin jahat. Sekarang gue jadi heartless. Gue semakin apatis, setiap ada kejadian buruk gue selalu mikir “Ah yaudahlah. Apasih kemungkinan buruk yang akan terjadi?” gue udah ngalamin yang lebih buruk, kehilangan Ayah—jadi apapun tidak akan mengejutkan gue lagi.

Sadness is connected to feeling isolated. One of the worst parts of depression is the endlessly lingering sensation that you’re all alone in the depths of your despair. That you’re the person who has ever felt the way you’re feeling right now.

Sifat apatis gue udah ngebuat gue kehilangan kepercayaan ke semua orang. Ibadah gue semakin drop to zero. gue gapernah teraweh, gapernah sholat, setiap kali temen-temen gue ceramahin gue, gue cuma narik alis aja. Ugh, some people believe I’m developing into Atheist.

It’s not like I don’t believe in God. I’m just losing hope. My self acceptance to life and God has dropped to minus zero.

Just now, I had this huge fight with my mom and my little brother, because I’m being such a beach to them. They both claimed that they hate me, for my attitude. My mom wants me to see therapist. My brother wants me to go to rehab, until I can figure out what should I fix from my attitude. 

Was I enough?

Semuanya selalu mikir bahwa gue living the dream. Hidup gue selalu enak, gapernah punya masalah, mau apa aja bisa–mau ngapain aja boleh. Selalu bisa ngehibur orang dengan sense humour yang tinggi, tapi kalian tau gaksih the happiest people are often the most broken one?

How could someone who burned with such a bright, magnetic light be so heartbreakingly sad? 

Once you scratch past the surface of wisecracks and wit, there exists a mountain of depression and anxiety. For most, it’s a continuous battle, and comedy is the only relief.

Why are those who are so seemingly full of life the ones who never fail to provide us with the perfect quip at the perfect time — so heartbroken within?

We know that Robin Wiliams is one of the most happiest people, but why did they commit a suicide if he’s happy? 

To quote it from him, that hits me most to core: 

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“I think the saddest people always try their hardest to make people happy because they know what it’s like to feel absolutely worthless and they don’t want anyone else to feel like that.”

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It’s true I keep my happy face, and try to entertain people with all might because I don’t want you to feel this broken inside and absolutely worthless like I do,–and you know, people always tell  you “Sonia I know you’re a strong girl, I know you can pass this.” I know. But eventho everyone believes that I can pass this, the truth is I can’t. There’s always the lingering past that haunts me.

It’s okay. For a moment that I am writing to you right now, and all of sudden everyday updates from this blog–because when I write, and I read your funny comments–I feel less alone in my suffering. 

Was I ever enough?

No one knows. 

xo

S

About IJaggys

Sorry, am I supposed to know who you are?

39 responses »

  1. Fairy says:

    Huhuhu sedih bacanya, everyone’s fighting battle we will never know. So be kind to everyone🙏🏻

  2. X says:

    Keep strong dear IJaggys🙂

  3. Zii says:

    fighting !! author.nim

  4. shfly3424Arista says:

    Q ga bs apa2
    Kamu yg ngerasainnya
    Tp q berdoa yg. Terbaik utk kamu
    Kamu jg bs lewatin ini dgn baik
    Gimanapun q selalu dukung kamu

  5. shfly3424Arista says:

    Q gak bs apa2
    Kamu yg ngerasainnya
    Tp q berdoa yg. Terbaik utk kamu
    Kamu jg bs lewatin ini dgn baik
    Gimanapun q selalu dukung kamu

  6. Menurut pengalaman aku pribadi, kenapa orang yang cendrung berkecukupan–kaya dalam bahasa umumnya, lebih cendrung depresi dibandingkan dengan orang-orang yang biasa saja?

    Kenapa orang yang cendrung punya segalanya justru selalu menjadi the broken one? I didn’t understand…selama aku jadi readers kamu, IJaggys adalah satu-satunya author yang aku anggap perfect dari penulisan dan karyanya hingga kehidupannya.

    Kamu cantik. beneran deh kamu tuh cantik bgt, liat aja foto kamu di Behind IJaggys *siapa yang bisa ngalahin cantiknya kamu diantara author-author wp lain?* kamu indeed berasal dari keluarga yang sangat mapan, tajir bgt. tajir parah. dilihat dari ask.fm dan live journal kamu juga instagram kamu, apapun yang kamu mau pasti kamu dapetin. barang-barang mahal..sampe makanan-makanan di restoran mahal…

    terus kamu berpengetahuan luas, smart dan gaul. apasih yang IJaggys gatau? bahkan kamu tuh kaya sumber dari segalanya, jendela dunianya para readers. Buktinya kamu selalu menjadi trendsetter. semua orang pengen jadi IJaggys.

    Terus kamu punya temen-temen yang gakalah perfectnya dari kamu, kalo aku bacain ask.fm kamu, kamu selalu temenan dengan orang-orang yang satu level dengan kamu. Kamu punya kehidupan yang seru hampir setiap hari kamu selalu “mamci” di restoran mewah sama sepupu-sepupu kamu *mengutip kata-katamu dari twitter hehehehe*

    Dan ternyata dibalik semua kesempurnaan itu kamu punya masalah yang lebih berat dari kita semua….

    Aku jadi kaya ngeliat kehidupan Han Cheonsa dalam kehidupan nyata…

    Maaf telalu panjang, tapi aku cuma pengen kamu tahu bahwa it’s okay to be broken🙂

  7. Yuki says:

    apa yang kak sonia lakuin nggak salah kok, meski yuki nggak ngerti tapi yuki paham sama apa yang kak sonia rasain. tapi yuki cuma mau kasih saran aja, itu mungkin karena kak sonia terlalu jauh dengan tuhan.. tuhan itu pinginnya di deketin dan meski rasanya sulit dan udah terlanjur kehilangan harapan tapi coba deh, deketin tuhan coba cerita dengannya insya allah beban kak sonia pasti berkurang. paling tidak, kak son bisa merasa lebih baik, maaf kalau yuki malah terkesan menggurui. tapi cuma allah yang bisa mengerti kak sonia lebih dari apapun.., semangat kak!🙂

  8. Aku… Gabisa ngomong apa apa karena ngasih saran pun kayaknya gak berhak but, aku ngerti banget ternyata kamu selama ini ngehibur orang dengan perasaan kayak gitu dan sekarang down banget.
    Mungkin sekarang kamu butuh waktu sendiri ngelakuin apa yang kamu mau. well, semangat teh! Semoga semuanya membaik🙂

  9. fsshy says:

    Kak sini dipeluk dlu. Semangat ya. Be strong🙂

  10. ditaaa says:

    gatau mau ngomong apa yaaa kata2 yang bisa bikin lo kuat tapiii… menurut gue yaaa jalani aja apa yang emang mau lo jalani…

    kalo menurut gue sih biasanya buat ke diri sendiri… orang yang paling bisa nolong lo saat diri lo udah menderita banget yaa itu diri lo sendiri, walaupun lo udah minta bantuan kesana sini, cerita ke sahabat, orang tua atau siapalah itu, tapi kalo diri lo sendiri aja gamau bangkit yaaa gabakal pernah bangkitlah lo… orang lain gabakal pernah ngerti and I REALLY HATE people when they say “gue ngerti kok perasaan lo”.. BUNCIT*!!!!! YOU ARE NEVER UNDERSTAND!!!

    so, coba lu tanya diri lo sendiri dulu maunya gimana. kalo emang ini udah comfort zone lo banget, kenapa ga lo coba sekali2 keluar dari zona yang lo dewa2 kan itu dan nyobain hal2 baru. mungkin sekarang lo ada di masa pencarian jati diri lo… who knows? :)))

  11. punyaharkina says:

    hallo, son..

    it feels like years i didn’t visit your beckhambadda and it’s kind of sad to read this live journal. i hope your mother and brother will understand soon that everyone have their own process to deal with the grieve.

    lima bulan lalu, gue juga baru kehilangan my most favorite uncle. meskipun gue tahu nggak bisa dibandingin sama kehilangan orang tua kayak lo, tapi sampai sekarang pun gue merasa gue masih struggling dengan perasaan kehilangan gue. everybody told me to find strength. everybody told me to let go. but noone told me how to do it. gue bahkan curiga kalau mereka yg ngomong sama gue itu (termasuk nyokap gue) juga sebenernya belum paham merelakan yg mereka maksud tuh kayak apa. gue nggak suka ngomongin oom gue di depan sodara2 gue, apalagi kalau ada yg nanya2 sama gue soal hari2 terakhir dia. kalau ada yg ungkit2 topik itu, gue mendingan kabur dr tkp atau milih pura2 budek dan nggak nanggepin. kakak gue bahkan sempet nanya gue beneran sedih apa nggak sama kepergian oom gue, tapi gue cuma diem karena gue pikir bodo’ amat sama anggapan orang. they had no idea whats exactly happen inside my head and my heart. sakit gue sama sakit mereka bahkan mungkin nggak sama, and this is what i feels now.

    nah. i don’t know why i write this to you, maybe because i just need to write it too. i pray you can find your own strength too, son, tho’ i don’t know how. gue percaya aja lah kalau lo akan menemukan cara lo sendiri, walau selama apapun waktu yg lo butuhkan untuk itu. lo kan si sonia permata yg tangguh walau badai menghadang hehhehe 😊

  12. Septia08880 says:

    Semangat Kak^^! Semua orang pasti menerima nikmat pahit sendiri-sendiri namun tetap hanya orang itu saja yang merasakan bagaimana this-and-that nya sendiri, karena orang di sekitar cuma menjadi penyemangat tidak sampai ikut tenggelam dalam nikmat pahit itu. *aduh aku ngomong apa* Pokoknya tetep semangat yaaaa~~~

  13. narnia says:

    Hi sonia, what a beautiful name!, new reader here.
    tulisannya keren2, and as long as i know writing is the best one to handle our sadness and depression. So you are in the right way.
    And if you asking to all the people in the world, absolutely have their own problem. Nobody’s life perfect and 100% happy for all the time.
    Sooo you’re not alone dear.
    I ever feel the same. And you now what?. I think it’s the sign from Allah, that He missing you. Miss your du’a and prayer. The only who never leaves us alone is our Creator.
    if u really loveee your beloved father, skrng cuma doa anak2nya yg bisa sampai u/ beliau.
    selalu bersyukur for everything that Allah gives to you. Cz may be lots of people wanna be like you but they can’t.
    Cheers up!! (sorry dengan ke-sok-tahu-an gw, u can ignore it) :))

    • IJaggys says:

      Now I believe that some people are so poor all they only have is money. I’m one of them.

      • narnia says:

        but some people also think that they are so poor cz they haven’t enough money. It just about our point of view,son. So, the truly happiness is always thankful to God for everything that what we’ve. U lost your father, but u still have mother, brother, and people who loving u.
        May Allah always blessing u and family :))
        (i just stupid person who never stop to learn, definitely i say this words not to teach u but it’s like a reminder for me too)

  14. yyyrrr says:

    Sigh, my mom also hates my attitude (yes i am a very fun person but also can be very rude and sassy), but she just doesn’t know why i have it.

    Fighting for both of us…!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  15. harniyunhie says:

    because nobody was perfect! be strong kak🙂

  16. FisHaeGyu says:

    Sabar aja yah kak… tapi kamu nggak boleh hilang harapan… Keep strong and fighting…. Tapi jangan sampe kamu jauh dari Alloh… Itu justru bikin kamu makin drop ka🙂 maaf bukannya nyeramahin yah^^
    Tapi jujur aja aku pernah mikir enak banget hidup kaya kamu kak… ini itu bisa didapetin
    beli tiket Suju kek beli gorengan:v Dan jujur aku sirik sama wajah kamu–:v#abaikan
    Hidup kamu kaya tanpa masalah.. bahagia selalu, tapi ternyata emang bener kalo setiap orang punya masalah.. Tapi pokoknya Fighting ya kak
    Sorry kepanjangan:v

    • IJaggys says:

      Hi I’m writing this because exactly your comment made of witty humour and I love it!

      Anyway, I’m a lil bit curious why you’re having a thought of “sirik” by looking my face. Is there something wrong with my face? lol just curious tho

  17. It’s okay, to feel hurt🙂

    Sometime elu cuma butuh waktu buat diri kamu sendiri, buat ngerenungi apa aja yang udah elu lakuin selama ini. Tanpa harus ngebiarin orang lain tau gimana buruknya elu saat itu. Gimana menyedihkannya elu saat itu.

    Maybe, elu cuma butuh someone buat nge-dengerin apa yang terjadi sama diri elu selama ini. Terkadang, kita cuma butuh pendengar pasif yang enggak bakal ngasih kita feedback, but dia bisa dengerin keluh kesah kita. Semuanya.

    Dont be afraid. I love your story -on real life or fanfict- that was…amazing? Movin’ on dear.

    Fighting❤

  18. mychococho says:

    I feel’ya buddy *puk puk.. apalagi ada yg bilang “org2 yg ketawa paling keras itu org2 yg kesepian” well, udah ahh jan sedih2 melulu.. cobalah lebih tulus sama org2 sekitar kamu, mungkin bisa sedikit ngeringanin beban kamu.. jan terlalu interovet, kalo sendirian ntar mikir macem macem.. duh jadi menggurui ini..pokoknya gpp sedih, marah, kecewa, tapi jangan sampe Tuhan ilang dari hati kita😄*puk puk sonia *puk puk puk puk..

  19. ji says:

    mendadak ayah gda, mendadak ilang dan setaun penuh gue ngalamin sifat ga peduli sma siapapun /curcol maaf ini mah/

  20. AnaSophie says:

    I don’t know what to say- I’ve just dropped into this blog and decided to read this first. The thing is, depression is sucks. Really sucks. Not to mention that I am losing hope as you are now. God is cruel you know. God takes everything without giving it back. I used to pray every single night to say thank you for what He gaves me, and to pray for a better future. But then He took everything from me within a week. That’s the moment when I decided to stop pray and- let’s just say me and God is not in a good relationship right now. Saya lagi berantem sama Tuhan. Its actually too harsh, but it is what happened now.

    Dear Sonia. You’re not the only one in this country—in this world who feel that way. I don’t want to say such a thing like “You’re strong” or “You can do this” because I know how hard it is to keep trying. Its even hard to breath or even just to open your eyes. But please keep holding on and fight for yourself, for your own kindness. Do whatever you want- don’t give a single shit about people, because you are the only person who knows what’s going on with your mind. And you don’t have to tell because they won’t even understand. No one will. I don’t know but- you obviously need someone to hear all of your thoughts without giving any respond or judge you, be there just to pats your head or even hug you, or joking around with you. But I know, its not that easy to find any🙂 but its okay. Ice cream heals everything, so does with Chanel. And also, time heals everything. Don’t forget that you got all of your readers here, including me eventho I rarely step on here x))))

    So, dear Sonia. Please don’t ever forget that you’re not alone.🙂

    xo, AnaSophie.

  21. namgichan says:

    deep condolence for you dear.
    I don’t want to judge you but I can’t tell anything.
    karena semua orang punya kesusahannya masing-masing.

    but you should have to understand, you’re not alone dear ❤❤

  22. soniaaaa… Aku tau kamu tapi kamu ga tau aku siapa. Da aku mh apa atuh nya. cuma orang lewat.
    Tapi, percaya ga percaya nih, aku udh ngerasa kenal sama km, mgkn dr tulisan2 km yg bnyak menguak sisi lain kehidupan km.
    jujur ya son, aku mh seneng bgt kalo km udh bikin jurnal kaya gini, udh kaya curhat aja, dan aku senengnya itu kamu menganggap kita ada. Ada didalam lingkaran hidupmu bahwa kita itu nyata. dan walaupun km itu menganut aliran sarkasme dsb, tpi aku tetep seneng sama kamu. Karena km adlh ijaggys.
    Aku selalu suka setiap cerita kamu, dan aku nangis waktu km bilang ayah km itu meninggal dunia. Entah knp aku jd nangis, pdhl aku ga kenal bgt km, ketemu juga belum pernah kn.
    dan aku salut sama kamu, ketika org lain punya masalah in their life, biasanya mrk suka ngelupain blog mrk, smpai ngehapus blog mrk krn masalah pribadi yg mrk hadapi. Tpi kamu ga, km malah berbagi sama kita lewat tulisan km. makasih y son, udh mau berbagi cerita sama kita walaupun kenyataannya ga bisa ngelakuin apapun buat kamu.
    Mgkn km bakal ngerasa aku org aneh, krn nulis gini. maaf, jika berlebihan.
    Aku berdoa, mdh2an km cpt dekat lg dengan-Nya. Amiin^^

  23. Diana Indra says:

    Haloo kak Soniaa, long time no see *btw aku udh baca fanfictionmu dari kelas 2 smp dan skrg aku udah mahasiswa wkwkwk* Turut berduka cita kak atas kepergian Ayah :(( Semoga beliau tenang di sisi-Nya aminnn. Kak Sonia kuat kok, Shock itu kan wajar buat semua orang. But, ayah kak sonia pasti juga gak akan senang kalo “Ade” nya jadi kaya gini teruss :(( Hope you will be better soon yaa kaakk. Fightinggg^^

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