The hardest battle you will ever have to fight between who you are now, and who you want to be.
Before you scroll any further, I’ve to inform you that this not a fanfiction-post. This post purely my rant about my life. You don’t have to read it, you don’t have to deal with my shit–I don’t expect you to understand. But here I am writing to you because I need to not because I have to.
Huft, I’m trying so hard not to post about what’s going on with my life. Try to stop tweeting a bunch of sadness teweets.
Bukan rahasia lagi bahwa sifat gue itu no jokes—i’m such a bitch. In real life atau virtual life. Sifat dan attitude gue itu buruk banget. Gue gaperduli sama orang lain, gue mentingin diri gue sendiri, gue selalu dominan, gue selalu menjadi yang antagonis di pertemanan maupun di keluarga.
Just yesterday, lebaran hari pertama–gue nolak untuk dateng ke rumah om gue dan ngumpul sama keluarga gue (termasuk sepupu-sepupu gue) alesannya simpel, gue butuh tidur, dan gue lagi gabisa put up sama orang-orang. I hate people.
Sampe nyokap gue kemaren bilang; “Gila ya gue udah gabisa ngomong kalo tentang elo.” damn I don’t need anyone either. Jadi lebaran hari pertama gue bener-bener di apartemen sendirian, tidur sampe jam 7 malem terus nonton Jurasic Park di HBO sambil makan satu bucket es krim dari Ben & Jerrys. I’m screwed.
Since my father’s gone, I have this huge depression left. Gue dari yang tadinya udah jahat—menjadi semakin jahat. Sekarang gue jadi heartless. Gue semakin apatis, setiap ada kejadian buruk gue selalu mikir “Ah yaudahlah. Apasih kemungkinan buruk yang akan terjadi?” gue udah ngalamin yang lebih buruk, kehilangan Ayah—jadi apapun tidak akan mengejutkan gue lagi.
Sadness is connected to feeling isolated. One of the worst parts of depression is the endlessly lingering sensation that you’re all alone in the depths of your despair. That you’re the person who has ever felt the way you’re feeling right now.
Sifat apatis gue udah ngebuat gue kehilangan kepercayaan ke semua orang. Ibadah gue semakin drop to zero. gue gapernah teraweh, gapernah sholat, setiap kali temen-temen gue ceramahin gue, gue cuma narik alis aja. Ugh, some people believe I’m developing into Atheist.
It’s not like I don’t believe in God. I’m just losing hope. My self acceptance to life and God has dropped to minus zero.
Just now, I had this huge fight with my mom and my little brother, because I’m being such a beach to them. They both claimed that they hate me, for my attitude. My mom wants me to see therapist. My brother wants me to go to rehab, until I can figure out what should I fix from my attitude.
Was I enough?
Semuanya selalu mikir bahwa gue living the dream. Hidup gue selalu enak, gapernah punya masalah, mau apa aja bisa–mau ngapain aja boleh. Selalu bisa ngehibur orang dengan sense humour yang tinggi, tapi kalian tau gaksih the happiest people are often the most broken one?
How could someone who burned with such a bright, magnetic light be so heartbreakingly sad?
Once you scratch past the surface of wisecracks and wit, there exists a mountain of depression and anxiety. For most, it’s a continuous battle, and comedy is the only relief.
Why are those who are so seemingly full of life the ones who never fail to provide us with the perfect quip at the perfect time — so heartbroken within?
We know that Robin Wiliams is one of the most happiest people, but why did they commit a suicide if he’s happy?
To quote it from him, that hits me most to core:
“I think the saddest people always try their hardest to make people happy because they know what it’s like to feel absolutely worthless and they don’t want anyone else to feel like that.”
It’s true I keep my happy face, and try to entertain people with all might because I don’t want you to feel this broken inside and absolutely worthless like I do,–and you know, people always tell you “Sonia I know you’re a strong girl, I know you can pass this.” I know. But eventho everyone believes that I can pass this, the truth is I can’t. There’s always the lingering past that haunts me.
It’s okay. For a moment that I am writing to you right now, and all of sudden everyday updates from this blog–because when I write, and I read your funny comments–I feel less alone in my suffering.
Was I ever enough?
No one knows.