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“When your father dies suddenly, you’ll spend days wondering if it was just a mistake.”

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***

 

Nobody knew how I crumbled every single time I was alone.

When your father dies suddenly, you’ll spend days wondering if it was just a mistake.

“Not my dad, no, it can’t be him. He was active. He mowed lawns for three neighbors. He shoveled for them. He gardened. He was healthy; he stopped eating junk food and drinking soda.”

You’ll think of all the ways he was healthy, and all the reasons why he shouldn’t have died so young. You’ll be angry at him for leaving your family, and sad he won’t be there to participate in your life anymore. You’ll be sad, because you were just starting to build a better relationship with him.

You will sob uncontrollably when you get the phone call. Your significant other will drive you home, and you’ll be too distracted to remind them of which way to go. 

You’ll start crying again when you see your father’s coffee cup, still sitting in its normal corner of the kitchen table. You’ll go into your room and search for the hat he gave you when you were in second grade, and place it next to your bed.

You’ll be staying with your Mom for a while. She’s going to need you. The first morning after he’s gone, you’ll find her staring out the window.

She’ll start to cry and all you can do is put your arms around her. She’ll look at you and say, “I really love your father.” And you’ll say, “I know. He really loves you too.” You’ll keep referring to him in present tense, and then kick yourself afterwards like it only reminded everyone that he is gone.

A few more days will go by, and you’ll start to get yourself together.  You won’t cry every morning, noon and night. You’ll start to accept that he won’t be there when you graduate college in the spring, or walk you down in your future years. It’s okay, you think to yourself. He knew I was going to be okay, and that’s what really matters.

But by the time people do finally start to leave, you’ll be tired and cranky. You won’t really care to receive any more condolences, or to have forced conversations with distant relatives you barely recognize.

You’ll just want to say goodbye to your father. Alone.

You’ll go home with some of the flowers you brought for him. You’ll reminisce. You’ll cry alone in his room with the door closed, because you don’t want anyone to see you. You’ll worry about your mom because she’s not eating much, about the exam you have to make up, and about the life that goes on. 

And you’ll worry about nothing, because suddenly everything seems so unimportant.

All that seems to matter is that he’s gone, and one day you will be too.

I still need him. Just the other day I said to myself, “Dad would know what to do here.” and started to call his cell phone, only to realize that it was on the table beside of me. 

I tried to put on a brave face for everyone and people were amazed at how well I was dealing with his passing. Nobody knew how I crumbled every single time I was alone.

I got through all that okay, but it all seems so unreal to me still. I have good days because my greatest source of support has been my family and friends who have been absolutely amazing for helping me coped with grief and loss. But I have many bad times as well. Seems I spend every night from 3am-5am crying and thinking about him. It is like I can’t seem to grieve in public and so I can’t seem to move forward on this.

I know I’m in shock, but when the thought of him being no longer alive floods into my mind I feel an overwhelming emptiness, and horrible sadness of how unfair it was that he was taken from us so suddenly.. I didn’t even get to say goodbye, and hear him call me “Ade” one more time.

I feel so alone.

 

S

About IJaggys

Sorry, am I supposed to know who you are?

33 responses »

  1. namgichan says:

    itu perasaan gw 3 tahun yg lalu.

    dan semua rasanya berubah dalam hitungan detik.
    gw gabisa nangis karna nyokap dan ade gw nagis.
    orang bilang gw kuat,, padahal saat itu gw kaget… dan baru bisa nangis 3 hari setelah itu..

    ya,,,
    gw paham perasaan ini…

    • IJaggys says:

      Condolences are not just an expression of sympathy, they are not just words – they are expression of true feelings. Thank you for sharing your pain.

  2. kate203xvg says:

    This must be hard for you. I’m sorry for your loss

  3. xxxharu13 says:

    Kehilangan itu emang ga enak… di tinggal itu emang ga enak… tapi sabar aja kak… semua orang pasti ngerasain kehilangan… I’m sorry to hear that…

  4. inggarkichulsung says:

    Turut berduka cita Sonia, smg selalu diberikan ketabahan dan kekuatan untuk slg menguatkan satu sama lain di keluarga, semoga beliau diberikan tempat terbaik di sisiNya

  5. petriCHOr17 says:

    Ada yang bilang, orang yang kita sayang akan selalu ‘hidup’ selama kita mengingatnya, gak peduli jarak, waktu atau maut yang memisahkan. Semoga Papa kamu diberikan tempat terbaik di sisinya.

    Yang kuat & tabah ya, Son.

  6. kwonbinology says:

    I’m sorry to hear that, kak. I’m not good at wrods, but he must be a really good person. Be strong as always! *send you virtual hugs*❤

  7. Heey I got ur notif ! Guess I’ll be the one and only who would comforted you by offering Mbok Berek and Jahanam Blanket and a slight of Agan Harahap artworks :)) at least i paused the time where your precious-rare-SP’s tear dropped from your eyes:D
    Almost forgot to mention our one and only beloved best-friend, “Woy Min”, We got ur back! Your loss is our loss too. Probably this was the first time i did not put any damn to the lecturer in absolute important subject class in my major when u DM-ed me via twitter. Firstly your existence were like hard to reach at its worst, second you said you had no idea what to do the world suddenly became dark and you felt completely ruined. I could really feel that you felt completely devastated, and last you said you needed me and Ndun so much. That was the moment where i seriously wanted to share real hug with you and ofc Ndun(she was more desperated since she had no idea how to contact u) and suddenly my eyes became teary at the damn class. Totally not in the right time to feel terribly melancholy. My seatmate asked me to focus on the lecture but i said who cares anyway this is my best damn friend in a completely devastated situation that you would have no idea how her world just torn into apart and i (and Ndun) ‘ve got like fcking important role to be the one of just a few people who could understand her !!. Class ended with no single words i’ve got from the lecturer that day.

    All i and Ndun want were to book direct flight to Cianjur that landed right in front of ur house. But then i didn’t find any flight to Cianjur and u lived in in such a far far away village on the of top of a mountain where normal plane cannot detect it and maybe only important persons and VIP access who could make a visit to ur house. There were no freaking way to get to ur house and you didn’t allow us too anyway.

    I apologize for not being able to give you the right words where you can feel completely okay after your loss. Since you said non of any advised that worked to you. Offering IB to talk to you is the best way i could do. And sending prayer every single time to babap is the only advised i could deliver to you.

    Allah SWT knows what’s best for you! He once said in suraah Al-Anfal (8:70):
    “He will give you something better than what was taken from you”

    Look! Good things are waiting for you! Must be something out of your expectation ;;)
    Don’t give up on Him !

    • IJaggys says:

      Telat ga sih Din gue baru bales sekarang? Tapi gapapa, berapapun gue baca komentar ini tetep aja gue merasa tersentuh. Kalo bisa gue buat thanks to sepanjang jalan kenangan, pasti isinya hanya akan Addina dan Adinda🙂

      Walaupun kita selalu bercanda bahwa persahabatan kita ga mengenal kata dukungan moril, tapi pas kalian berusaha ngehubungin gue dan begitu panik sampe mau nyusul ke Chicago bener-bener dukungan moril yang sesungguhnya.

      Ah kenapasih pas bales komentar ini gue jadi melow lagi, padahal kemaren kita sudah tertawa membicarakan mimbar kehidupan di conf call WKWKKWKWKW.

      I’m eternally grateful for your support, for foods, for those reassuring words. For being there during my crucial times, and for your father who helped me a lot in ways I’d never thought. (For the years of beautiful friendship, and jahanam’s blanket lol)

      I’m starting to get myself together. I’m starting to pick what I’ve missed, starting to think about my whole future years without the word of “Father”.

      I got through all that okay, but it all seems so unreal to me still. There’s no gradual way to grieve. It’s far more emotional than that.

      Some days I’m happy, feeling content or euphoric, believing that my father is in a far better place. Other days, I’m angry, depressed and feel an overwhelming emptiness, wishing I could talk to him just one more time. It comes in waves, some like a disaster, others like a gentle tide.

      I wish every seconds that time would turn back just a year and I would do anything to keep the way it was.

      But I know, lfe does go on, even though it seems sometimes like it won’t.

  8. hayyziyi says:

    Turut berduka cita kak. Semoga ayah kamu tenang disisiNya ya. Yang tabah ya

  9. Eryl says:

    Untuk sonia,

    Kamu adalah seorang cewek-author terkuat, terkeren, tersabar yg pernah aku kenal . Walau aku cuma tahu kamu dari tulisan anti-mainstream mu dn dr medsos mu, tpi semua itu cukup utk mengenal mu buat aku. Aku suka setiap twit km yg entah knp ps aku baca itu lucu, dan aku suka setiap jawaban badas km d ask.fm yg jawab setiap pertanyaan anon. Hehe, maaf y aku udh baca twit n kdg ask fm mu. Berasa fans ny sonia. Kkk

    Makanya pas tahu bhw ayahmu meninggal dunia, aku shock bgt. Skrg Sonia gmn, apa dia baik2 aja? Apa dia bisa makan dg baik ? apa dia bkl menutup dirinya? Bnyk pertanyaan yg muncul d kepala aku. Tapi semua itu buyar pas kamu twit ttg sahabat2 mu addina dkk. Oh, kayanya sonia “baik2 aja “. Soalny, dia udh mau share ke kita ttg keadaan dia skrg yg sdg rapuh , Makasih y son, kamu mau berbagi duka mu dg kita (aku = org yg tak mungkin bisa memeluk kamu sbg teman “nyata”) .

    Aku hanya bisa berdoa, mudah-mudahan Ayah kamu diterima segala amal ibadahnya dan di tempatkan di tempat yg sebaik- baiknya di sisi Alloh Swt. Alfatihah..

    Dan buat Sonia juga Mamih kamu diberi ketabahan juga kesabaran dan kelapangan hati dlm menerima cobaan ini. Kamu pasti bisa melewati semua ini. kamu adalah SP.🙂

    Aku Senang bgt lihat banyak org yg sayang sama kamu. Krn km memang pantes disayang, sonia.🙂

    Peluk cium dari Bobby-iKON😀

  10. Nichariz says:

    Gw ngerti perasaan lo dear🙂 Gw sendiri masih ingat rasa itu walaupun udah hampir 3 tahun. Well seenggaknya om BSN masih beruntung karena punya istri yang sayang dia sampai akhir, g kayak bokap gw. Dan juga karena dia punya putri bernama Sonia Permata, yang setau gw punya mental baja, jadi dia g perlu khawatir saat ninggalin lo.

    Gw g tau harus kasi kata-kata semangat yang gimana, karena gw tau kalo itu semua g berpengaruh banyak, rasanya kayak langsung menguap begitu aja di udara. Gw cuma pengen bilang supaya lo jangan takut buat nangis. 3 tahun ini juga selalu gw habisin dengan menangis. Tapi bukan berarti karena gw sedih. Gw hanya rindu. Gw harap lo juga bakalan rasain hal yang sama.

    Rindu bukan sedih…🙂

    • IJaggys says:

      I believe Those we love don’t go away, they walk beside us every day, unseen, unheard, but always near. Still loved, still missed and very dear.

  11. raissagyu says:

    Yang sabar ya kak ijaggys. Kehilangan salah satu orang terpenting dalam hidup kita rasanya tuh emang… ah susah buat diungkapkan dg kata-kata. Aku juga pernah diposisi kayak gitu kok dan juga tau rasanya kayak gimana. Saat itu aku cuma bisa bilang kediri aku bahwa tuhan lebih sayang sama almarhum. Tuhan pengen almarhum menikmati ketenangannya disisiNya.
    Tetap sabar ya kak ya. I’m so sorry for your loss kak

    • IJaggys says:

      It hurts to be 20 and knowing that you have to live the rest of your life without them. I am so sorry that this has happened to you too. I wish I could take away the pain that both of us feel.

  12. - says:

    I am so sorry to hear the loss of your father. Don’t stay so long in sorrow. Look around, there are a lot of people who are really care to you. Keep smiling kak son:)

  13. fsshy says:

    Turut berduka cita. Pasti sedih banget ya. Aku juga sedih bacany, keinget keluarga yg udh gada. Setelah baca ini bner bner ngerasa harus bersyukur. Bersyukur krna ortu masih ada disisi kita. Wlaupun yg ninggal bukan ortu aku, aku ttep ngerasa sedih wktu tau org yg kita sayangi udh gada. Yg tabah ya kak, semoga beliau diberikan tempat yg terbaik disisi-Nya. Aamiin

    • IJaggys says:

      Make sure to never take the seemingly stupid time your parents and family bonding experiences for granted, because once it expires, that is all you’ll ever want back. Be grateful if you have loving parents who are still with you because in the end they are the only ones you’ve really got.

  14. mychococho says:

    😢😢😢 kak… aku sayang kaka.. jan sedih lama lama

  15. nuristi azizah says:

    deep condolences for you, sonia. feels like i really know story about you and your father from the post that i’ve read a long time ago, wonder of you still remind me as your old reader.
    but still, im sorry for you soania.

  16. Kans says:

    Sonia, turut berduka cita buat Ayahnya ya. Semoga Sonia dan keluarga diberikan kesabaran. Cuma bisa ikut mendoakan Ayah yang sudah ada di tempat yang lebih baik. Stay strong Sonia; we know you’re strong. We love youuuu😉

  17. pitongtong says:

    Ketinggalan banget , turut berduka ya sonia . Semakin kuat semakin kuat semakin kuat 😢

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